Sea Waves

I was standing there all by myself ogling the sea: afraid of the water. I was afraid of drowning - of death. I was standing far behind the reach of waves so that they don’t drag me towards it suffocating me to death. Despite of the trepidation, I was enjoying the view. I loved the blue-ness everywhere. The azure sky and the soothing aqua color of the water made the scenery scenic. The place itself was peaceful. And the fresh comforting smell of the wet sand made the whole place even more relaxing.

 I loved what was at the other end of the sea. Everybody loved it. At least most of us loved it. It was something to be loved. It was Love. Though I haven’t been there, I have seen people having a ball there. I wanted to ball too. But the thought of crossing the sea has always been an obstacle. And that I couldn’t do myself. So I decided to hate that end. I decided to distance myself from it. The more I distanced myself from it, the more my heart went close to it. I stood there for very long watching people- people who never came back from that place.

And then one day, somebody held my hand and took me into it. I couldn’t stop myself. I didn’t hesitate a bit; I just went with the flow. My heart walked over my body and I couldn’t do anything.

And there I was running towards my biggest fear. But I was no longer afraid. I was just running and running. All of a sudden I felt some dirty-wet thing clinging to my feet. I had to make an effort to take a step. It was like as if the dirt was pulling me towards it. I looked down, and all I could see was traces of my feet. I barely looked at my footprints that I jumped out of frigidness. I hopped. And I hopped again. I couldn’t stand still. I couldn’t feel my feet; they went numb. But it was so refreshing. It was like the cold chilly water touched my soul: as if it pulled out all the dirt from my body, from my mind, and left me clean. All the stress, tensions got washed away with the waves. I felt pure.

I was so lost that I totally forgot him. I totally forgot that there was someone who brought me here. I forgot that somebody was still holding my hand. But it wasn’t my fault that hand was made for mine. It felt normal. It felt good. I didn’t notice until he pulled me into the sea. His presence made it easy. I was no longer afraid of drowning. It was like as if his grip took away my fear making me strong. Yes, it was his grip; it was him.

And then I saw the large waves coming towards us. They were strong, I could sense. And they were huge.  I was afraid but not of death but of separation. I didn’t want us to be separate. I wanted us to hold each other forever. And then in a spur of the moment, I was fighting with the water: with the waves. I could feel my limps trying hard to get on the surface, but they failed. I was splashing my hands against the water but it was of no use. I lost hope. I closed my eyes and let my body rest. I was dying.

I coughed. I let the water out. I coughed again took a deep breath. I opened my eyes slowly and he was there again, holding my hand with a beam. He then explained how to encounter these waves. He helped me to live. He taught me to live.

In all this, I didn’t realize that we crossed the midway. We were less than half way off from the other end - from love. I was happy and excited. I faced my biggest fear. I was almost there. I had left my fear behind, I thought.  But all of a sudden, he was gone. My hands were empty. I no more felt complete. I looked around but couldn’t find him. I thought he will return. I believed he will come to rescue like before. But he didn’t. I couldn’t move further. I didn’t know how to. He taught me how to save myself but he forgot to teach me how to move further, I guess.

I’m still here, in the middle of nowhere trying to grab everybody’s hand that passes by me. But the hand doesn’t fit. It just leaves me there and moves forward. Every time I try to come up, something pulls me back. Or is it the waves who want me to stay there. Who wants me to wait. And yeah I’m still there waiting for somebody to hold my hand again and hold it forever till the end.