Selfishness

“This is so sweet.” Sarah said, taking a sip of coffee.

Sidra was so entrenched in the turmoil that she thought she sweeten it. “Really?” She asked raising her brows.” I might have put extra sugar in it. Let me make another one for you.” She said in an apologizing manner.

“Extra sugar? Sarah shrugged, arching her eyebrows. “Oh no! I mean the gift you bought for your sister is sweet.”

“You mean you like it?” Sidra asked.

“No, I mean you bought the present for your sister without any occasion is sweet.”

 “Oh that. That appear to be sweet but isn’t.” Sidra said, keeping the hot cup of coffee down on the table. They were seated on the couch below the rusty wrought iron chandelier suspending from the three story high roof. It was a frigid winter night. She could see the chandelier moving back and forth due to the cold breeze. “But anyway thank you.”

“What is it then?” Sarah asked eagerly.

“I’m just trying to placate her for my bad behavior.”

“Not everybody does that. She is lucky to have a sweet and caring sister like you.”

 Sarah said trying to make her feel good. But she failed. She failed like every other time. Sidra was so mad at her life that she couldn’t keep herself from bursting out at her. “To break someone’s heart and then appease them by different means is that what you call being sweet? I call it being selfish.” She clamored.

Sara had never seen Sidra this furious. She tried to pacify her anger but added fumes to it; fumes that immensely ignited her anger forcing her to vent her heart out.

“It might not be sweet but at least it is not selfish. You realized your mistake and now you are trying to improve it. What’s so selfish about this? “

“That is what being selfish is all about.” She yelled.” I’m trying to placate her because I can’t live with the guilt that I hurt her and I’m the reason behind her sadness.” She closed her eyes, took a long deep breath trying to calm her infuriation and rested her forehead on her palm.  

Sidra couldn’t bear anyone woeful around her. The sole purpose of her life was to spread happiness at every step she takes. But watching herself sacrificing her own dream was wrenching.

“Doing something with a design of being rewarded is selfishness, and I don’t see any reward coming to you.” She said trying to make a point.

“Of course it is! Sidra said, raising her head. Can’t you see forgiveness would be on my way?”

“Why would you ever call it a reward?” Sarah gesticulated.

“Nothing is more rewarding than being in paradise on earth.” Sidra grinned. Her grin faded as soon as she looked at the wall photo hanging between the tapestries. The photo was of her and her sister clicked two years ago on the beach. The picture was so close to her heart that she hanged it in her room and often talked to it. But now she couldn’t even make an eye contact with it. Every time she sees it, she remembers how rudely she insulted her; how bad she made her sister feel.

“What are you talking about?”  Sarah interrupted her thoughts.

 “A person who is forgiven is in peace.” Sidra stopped for a moment and stared at the picture.” At least I feel I’m in a different peaceful world which I think heaven is all about.” She said, looking back at her.

Sarah thought for a moment but still couldn’t completely agree with it.” I don’t think that way. You cannot say everyone has a personal desire behind doing something good.”

“I too used to think that way. But believe me, as life moves on, our perspective of understanding things starts changing.  It depends on everyone’s intellect, caliber and experience. One might not think the way I think; the way you think.” Sidra said. Her voice was calm as if she could already feel the heaven.

“Did you just say that I am not intellectual?” Sarah said trying to change the topic. She could see that Sidra was now back; back from her turmoil.

“What? When did I say that?” Sidra replied with a smile on her face.

“Just kidding. Let’s have coffee. What do you say?” Sarah asked.

“I’ll be right back.” Sidra replied walking out of the room towards kitchen.

When Sidra came back with coffee, Sarah moved closer to Sidra, squeezed her hand gently and said, “Sometimes, we just have to accept things as they are. It is okay to make mistakes; the best thing is its realization. And not every person has such a strong conscience to accept and counter the damage they’ve done. Besides, relations don’t need formalities Sidra. Communicate with her. Seriously.” Sarah smiled vaguely, lost in thoughts. She was coming to make sense of everything Sidra said.

“And seriously,” Sarah added with a playful tone,” If I were too lucky to have a sister as you who’d accept her mistake, man I’d have taken such unfair advantages!” Sidra laughed cheerfully at the humor which now surrounded both of them. “Thank you”, Sidra said earnestly.” You’re right, we complicate things for ourselves.” She paused for a while and with a long wistful gaze at the picture, Sidra added pleasantly,” relations really don’t need formalities.”

“Absolutely”, Sidra said. “So shall we continue with our coffees now?”